Clarity
by laurzz
Summary: DannyLindsay. Oneshot. Set during S4 - specifically 'Like Water for Murder'. "She realises she could spend hours with him here. She could stay with him here forever… if she ignores the aching feeling in her heart and the voice screaming in her head that this isn't a good idea. But when has Danny Messer ever been a good idea?"


**No, your eyes do not deceive you my dear friends! I live! and I come bearing gifts of some kind. As you may have gathered I have been a little off the radar recently. Some of it due to the fact I have my own full time class of 4-6 year olds where I'm actually teaching two different curriculums (don't ask, I don't even know how I'm managing to do it myself) but also because I've recently fallen head over god damn heels in absolute love with the Hunger Games. Don't even talk to me about it. we will be here for 84 years otherwise. Let's just say Katniss and Peeta (and Jennifer and Josh) consume my life and everything in it. **

**But, in saying this Fred lives on and although this was something he wrote a while back Lindsay and Danny are always going to be my first ever loves and I highly doubt I'll be away for long. Like I said, I may disappear from time to time but the plot bunnies are always going to come back.**

**Now, in saying this, I think my writing style has somewhat differed during this story, possibly because of the different way that Suzanne Collins wrote the Hunger Games (and I've also been reading A LOTTTTT of fanfiction). But I felt that this style really helped me explain where Lindsay was during the shitstorm that was season 4 (curse you season 4!)**

**Anyway, enough rambling... I do genuinely hope there is someone out there still interested in reading my rambles. Hope you enjoy this one! :) **

**Oh, P.S. it's set during 'Like Water for Murder' prepare for feels. **

**Also, there's definite suggestions towards DL gettin' jiggy with it. but I'll let you read on for that. **

* * *

"_It's such a good movie."_

"_We should rent it."_

* * *

Lindsay lets out another whimper into her tissue and wipes her eyes as she relives the day she's just had to endure. Not only did she completely fuck up the lab's inspection by leaving evidence unattended – something she'd _never_ done before… but she then had to deal with her heart being ripped out by Danny making an effort with her. Now, she knows that doesn't make sense; nothing much does these days. Surely it should be lifting her spirits, Danny trying again. But it's had the complete opposite effect in reality. Listening to him trying to win back her affections only reminds her of how hurt she's been over the past few months. She knows she can't put into words how she felt on her birthday when he'd not even so much sent her a text wishing her a good day – because she's tried. She's had to explain to everyone at the lab what happened on her birthday and how he hadn't turned up. So much so, she wishes she could eradicate the whole day from her history. He'd broken her heart all over again and ever since then, she'd been trying to mend it by herself.

This version of Danny reminds her of the Danny she'd once known. Reminds was the key word however in that sentence. It wasn't the Danny she'd once known because the Danny she'd once known wouldn't have done the things he'd done. Maybe he would have before she knew him… but not now. Or at least, so she'd thought. It dawns on her that she'd perhaps read him wrong. Perhaps she'd never really known him at all.

And then of course there was the conversation she'd shared with Mac in the garage. She feels pure hatred for herself when she thinks back to that moment. She hates how nice Mac was about it. She would have much preferred him to shout at her and have it be done. That's what she deserved after all; she can't let her personal life get in the way of her work. It was important and this time everything was okay… but what if it happened again? Would things turn out the same? What if Danny had followed her rather than stayed with her evidence? It would be something Danny would do if he was desperate to get through to her… She just can't take that risk again. And Mac knows that; but it's like he doesn't care. She knows that he secretly likes the two of them together, as much as he'd protest otherwise. She can see it in his eyes that he's worried about them; especially her. She appreciates the concern, but she hates the look he has in his eyes when he looks at her as of late. It's like he pities her; but so does everyone else. It seems that everyone knows what Danny's done, meanwhile she feels like she knows nothing. She's in the dark, not in on the secret and therefore left spiralling and holding the forte just in case Danny decides to come running back to her…

She swallows as she makes a mental promise to herself to properly end it with him. No more screwing around, waiting for him to make a grand gesture and apologise. He's had long enough and-

She furrows her brow as she hears a knock at her door. She half wants to ignore whoever it is; it's probably the Mr. Heckles incarnate from downstairs, ready to insist she's making too much noise and therefore disturbing his cats that she knows he doesn't have, or something equally as ridiculous.

As the knocking sounds again, she sighs and throws her legs onto the floor and trudges through her living room. She unlocks the door and opens it just a crack and her eyes instantly widen at the sight. Her throat instantly dries up and she feels the tears already burning her already tired eyes.

"It doesn't have to be hard, Linds." He says; his eyes soft and relieved that she's answered the door. No hi or pleasantry. No explanation as to why he's here – the things he has in his arms are all the explanation he needs. And quite frankly, it terrifies her.

Her eyes absorb the things he's holding while he leans against the door frame. He's clutching a brown grocery bag in one arm and holding a DVD in his free hand.

"That's what makes it even harder Danny," she whispers as she lets the door take some of her weight, simply for the fact that she's scared she can't support herself. "The fact that it doesn't have to be hard… but it is, it's so hard Danny. I just…you-"

"-You're wearing the pyjamas I got you." He observes.

"Yeah," she shrugs, uncaring that he cut her off. "I got cold and these are the warmest I have."

"They're cute on you. I always thought they were; but then again, you're cute in anything. You're cute in nothing too."

She nods and almost manages a smile. Almost.

"Linds, can I come in?"

"No," she says with a shake of her head. Her tone is soft but she's also firm. There's no discussion here to be had. She makes that clear. "I don't think that's a very good idea."

"Linds, please." It doesn't stop him from trying.

"Danny, no. No… I don't want to watch it with you. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I'm still… I'm… I… I want you to go."

"Fine," he sighs, resigning in the fact that he's not going to get through to her tonight. "Here, you at least take this."

"I don't want it." She says, shaking her head at the bag he's offering her. He hands her the movie in a last ditch attempt and she steps back slightly. "I don't want that either."

"No, you take it." He insists, "You like all this stuff more than I do. It's all your favourite stuff. It reminds me of you and I can't have it in my place without you there to eat it all; it hurts too much, Montana."

"No," she says simply, shaking her head softly. "Don't call me that, Danny."

"Alright, I'm sorry, I-" he frowns. "I… I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"

"Sure," she nods making a move to shut the door. Before she does, he places a foot in the corner of the door frame and stops it from shutting. She growls in frustration. "What?"

"I know I hurt you Montana." He sighs heavily. "And I know you don't want me to call you that but… but you and me… we're gonna be okay. You know that, don't you?"

She doesn't say a thing and simply stares on at him, almost blankly. Does she know that? She searches inside of herself for the answer and honestly, she doesn't know if they'll ever be okay. What she does know that if he takes one step closer she's going to be right where she doesn't want to be. She knows that if he keeps pushing, she'll fall right back in love with him, despite her feeble efforts to fall 'out of love' with him.

"We are," he continues, much to her dismay. "You and me… we make sense and I know you can't bear to look at me right now. Trust me; I can't bear to look at myself either. But eventually, this is gonna get easier… you and I… we're gonna be okay."

"I'm glad you're so sure of this." She informs him. "Because I'm not so sure, Danny."

"I'm sure, Montana. I'm sure. All we need is some time. It doesn't have to end the way you're thinkin' it needs to. We can work at this. We're good at piecin' things back together. Let's piece us back together."

She sighs and arches her eyebrows, indicating that she's done with this conversation and about to shut the door. He removes his foot and she shuts the door with more force than she probably needed to and proceeds to slide down the door, landing on the floor with a resounding thump. She pulls her legs into her chest and secures them there tightly with her arms. She can hear rustling just outside the door and she knows he hasn't gone yet. She also knows that he's heard her slide down the door and basically throw herself on the floor.

"Just go," she whispers, fighting back her tears. And eventually she hears his footsteps leading away from her door and the tears begin to fall. Even though she pushed him away, it hurts that he didn't fight for her again. She doesn't know what she wants from him exactly, other than to have the version she had of him back before Ruben Sandoval died. She thinks he's right. He knows her almost too well. She does have only one way in mind with regards to how this can end and it isn't well. She knows what she wants. She wants him with everything she has… but she also wants nothing to do with him. She feels the frustration and confusion running through her veins and she wishes for someone to tell her what she should do.

She somehow stands, despite her tears and she opens the door once she hears the elevator doors shut at the end of the hallway. She peeks outside to check that he has in fact gone… only to find the bag of groceries and the movie sat on top of the bag. She swallows the lump in her throat and scoops the bag up into her arms. She kicks the door shut behind her as she takes the bag into the kitchen to investigate.

Gummy worms, peanut butter cups, hershey's kisses, chips, salsa dip are among other things within the bag. Basically, he's bought everything he and she had ever snacked on when they were vegetating on their days off. She blinks back the tears at the sight of the snacks laid out on her counter top. She reaches for the DVD but she's confused when she finds it wrapped in cellophane; she opens it up regardless and loses it completely when she realises that he hasn't rented it like he'd previously suggested. He's bought it for her. Or himself. Either way he's gone out and made a decision to keep the movie forever.

Overwhelmed by his gesture, she feels her resolve slipping. Sending him away hurt her just as much as it did letting him in. But which one hurt more? She wondered. She knows she definitely misses him and right now there's nothing she wants more than to watch a movie with him while he holds her close. She knows it's almost pathetic of her wanting him so much after all that he's done, but his efforts make her feel like she could forgive him. She hasn't forgiven him yet; what he's done isn't that grand of a gesture, but it's definitely a start. She hasn't seen him like this – desperate and determined – for a long time and it makes her think that maybe, just maybe, they could actually be okay in time.

She grabs her phone, the last ounce of her resolve disappearing completely as she goes for the call button but she pauses. She doesn't trust herself in telling him what she needs to; she'd say more than what she wants to. She'd open up and give him everything… and really, that's the last thing she wants. She instead decides to send him a quick, simple message – stating everything that she needs it to.

_Come back. _

She swallows as she places the phone onto the counter top. Within seconds, she hears her message tone.

_Serious? _

And before she can reply, confirming that she is in fact serious, the message tone is already going off again for a second time.

_I'm on my way up. _

Why? She questions herself when she's at the door, holding it open for him as he practically sprints down the hallway back to her apartment. When he reaches her door, she asks him the same thing.

"Because I'm so sorry Linds; I know how much I've hurt and betrayed you. I swear to god I'm trying though."

"I know." She says softly. "Why… why did you buy Jaws?"

"I thought we might wanna watch it again."

She looks at him intently, trying to see some falter in his eyes and expression that would tell her he's just giving her a line; letting her heart hear what it needs to hear in order to give him a chance to get back into her good books. But as she stands, soaking in the image of him stood desperately in front of her, she sees nothing on his face that tells her he has an ulterior motive. He seems completely honest. All she sees is her ex-boyfriend trying his best to win her back. And even though she hates it; it's all she's wanted all this time.

She opens the door wider and moves away so that he can come in. She can see the fire in his eyes ignite at her meeting him half way. He moves in quickly and kisses her temple as he crosses the threshold back into her life again.

"I'm not saying I've forgiven you." She snaps at him, angry at herself for how much she enjoyed the kiss to her temple. "I'm saying I'm open to making this work. Maybe."

"I hear you… I'll take any chance I get Linds. I'll take anything." She can tell he's serious.

"Don't mess this up." She warns him in a quiet, pleading tone. "I don't know how much longer I can do this for." Honestly, it was a little more than what she wanted to reveal.

"I hear ya," he says, closing the distance between them and pressing a kiss to her forehead. "You wanna go get the DVD set up and I'll get the snacks?" he asks, it's their usual routine. He usually lays the snacks out all fancy and she lights the candles and arranges the pillows for them to snuggle up on the couch.

She nods silently and heads to her TV and DVD player in the living room. She can hear him getting the bowls from her cabinets and emptying the snacks out into the porcelain containers. As she waits for the TV to turn on, she turns and eyes her lighter and candles from Bath and Body works that she loves, and knows that he too secretly loves. She instantly decides against candles; that's not the message she wants to send him. She stands and heads over to the wall to switch the main light on; the stark light making her squint from the change the subtle light the lamp had given the room. She wants everything on show under the bright lights. She's actually quite proud of her symbolism, but heads back to the DVD player quickly as she can hear him on the move.

She looks up as he carries the array of snacks in from her kitchen to the living room and he places them on the table. On his way in she notes that he's also grabbed two beers from the fridge and he's tucked them between him arm and body.

"You don't mind, right?" he asks, pausing as he gets ready to uncap the lid.

She shakes her head no and sits cross legged on the floor in front of the TV as she points the remote control towards the DVD player telling it to play the DVD and stop messing around; just like she always does. It never fails to make him smile. He finds it amusing how she can work the GCMS machine with ease and EDNA is most certainly her bitch in what's arguably the most sophisticated forensics lab in the world… and yet, she struggles to turn a DVD player on. He isn't sure what it is about her, but the contradiction ignites a fire within him that had been subdued by stress and grief a long time ago.

When the movie starts she takes a deep breath as she stands and moves to sit on the couch. She's close enough so that she's next to him, but far enough away so that there's plenty of distance between them. He hands her a beer and she accepts it, taking a considerable drink from it. She then reaches forward at the same time that he does and their hands meet as they grab for a gummy worm. She instantly feels the warmness of his hand and she pulls her own back with great force, not even bothering with the gummy worm she'd wanted. He notes the pained look on her face and he hands her a couple of the jellied sweets and she offers him a smile in thanks before training her eyes to focus only on the screen.

She can feel his eyes burning into her but she does nothing in inviting him any closer than what he currently is. She doesn't think she can handle it if he creeps any closer; her resolve already hit rock bottom when she asked him to come back up. Well, actually, she didn't really ask him, she thinks to herself. She essentially told him.

"You're gonna miss the entire movie if you're just sat there looking at me," she says as she turns ever so slightly and catches his eye.

"I don't care about the movie." He says in a low voice. "You however, I care about."

"Danny, just watch the movie." She sighs, already exasperated with him. She can't help the little smirk on her face, he's been back in her life five minutes and he's driving her crazy; it's true what her mother used to say about her father, 'can't live with him; most certainly can't live without him.'

"Alright," he resigns and turns his head back to the movie.

She now takes this time to sneakily glance towards him. He has his leg crossed over his knee with his foot resting just by his knee cap and he has his hand draped over the back of the couch – just like he always used to. If she was to slide up to his side now, he'd be able to effortlessly wrap her in his arms and he probably wouldn't let go until the ending credits. And as much as she wants it, she isn't sure whether she can handle the closeness.

"You're gonna miss the entire movie if you're just sat there looking at me." He quips playfully, not removing his eyes from the screen. She turns back to the screen, not realising how long she'd actually been looking at him for.

She feels her stubbornness reducing by the second, just like she knew it would. She takes a long swig of her beer, desperate for its liquid courage. Before she knows it, she's snuggled into his side holding onto his t-shirt tightly in her grasp, curling her legs up on the couch. As she expected and hoped, she finds his arms instantly wrap themselves around her, pressing a string of kisses to the crown of her head. "God I missed you," she thinks she hears him whisper, but decides against commenting for her own sake, rather than his.

His fingers eventually find her's and she can't help the joy she feels when he takes her hand in his. She's missed him so desperately that anything is better than nothing; and holding his hand is definitely something.

She watches the movie for God only knows how long before she realises that she's not taken in a full line yet. She turns her head and reaches up ever so slightly, pressing a soft, lingering kiss to his jaw line. She figures that since her resolve is already shot to all hell, she might as well go down good and proper. Danny's head turns sharply and he looks down at her with moisture in his eyes. She wouldn't call them tears, but she thinks they very well could be.

She edges herself closer to him, so much so that when he presses his lips to her's, it's effortless. The spark she gets from his lips ignites a fire within her that she had extinguished and suppressed; ever since they had essentially broken up.

She feels the kiss heating up and he breaks their connection only for a moment as he places the beer he'd been holding on the table. When he turns back to face her, they both make the decision simultaneously to lower their bodies to the couch. With some gentle coaxing from Danny, she lays her head down on the couch and revels in his weight on top of her as they start a long awaited exploration of one another.

She can still kind of hear the movie in the background. She listens to the scene she quoted with him earlier at work and she smiles against his lips. He smiles back and they break away for a moment, chests panting as they glance at the screen quickly. As the scene moves on, his hands cup her face and she smiles as he seals his lips to her's again; wasting no time.

She realises she could spend hours with him here. She could stay with him here forever… if she ignores the aching feeling in her heart and the voice screaming in her head that this isn't a good idea.

But then again, when has Danny Messer ever been a good idea?

* * *

Stretching and yawning heavily, she furrows her brow as she places her hand against her forehead. She has a headache; why she has no idea. She raises her hand up and she smacks her hand against the headboard instantly. That makes sense, she thinks. She must have banged her head while she was sleeping. Maybe. Except, she has a feeling that it isn't quite the case; she definitely banged her head repeatedly against the headboard, but she definitely wasn't asleep when she did it. She sucks her lower lip into her mouth and it's swollen and sensitive; like she'd bitten it or something. She cracks one eye open and she already knows what to expect. She lifts a hand up tentatively and lays it down beside her. Only instead of finding cold sheets, she finds a warm body… a warm, naked body; Danny's body. She hates herself, but she feels a tightening in the pit of her stomach when she realises what they've done together. She feels happy and sated, despite the equal feeling of confusion and annoyance with herself more than anything. It's not as if she put up much of a fight to his advances. She was putty in his hands. And if she remembers rightly, she started it; he just finished it. And her. Twice.

She shuffles closer to him and exhales onto his bicep softly. He stirs but doesn't wake; to which she's pleased about. Even though she wants to see the colour in his eyes, she's not sure whether she's ready to address their current situation with him yet.

It's still dark out and she can hear the DVD looping the title menu for Jaws, the movie they'd barely even watched.

She's hurting still, but the pain's beginning to subdue some. She still feels the betrayal and anger. When she lets herself think about it, she thinks she could hate him. But she doesn't let herself think about it. It's easier and it hurts less. It probably isn't the best way to approach their broken relationship but it's the only approach she's got.

She shifts onto her side and stares at him. Not creepily, just appreciating him. Appreciating what she had and lost... And what she's now regained somehow. She'd thought for sure he was long gone; but after their night together, she wonders differently. They'd had sex countless times over the course of their short relationship. She thinks though now that she'd be able to count the amount of times they'd actually made love on two hands. And love was definitely what she's just experienced with him – even if neither of them said it. She saw it in his eyes and she knew she had it in her eyes for him to see if he was looking.

She's not entirely sure anymore how they actually ended up together in bed. One minute they'd been watching the movie, stealing glances at one another. She'd kissed him and then it seemed like her mind went blank and the only thing she could remember after that was her being very naked, gripping onto Danny's arms as she repeatedly cried his name. She knows she shouldn't have slept with him, but she also knows that she doesn't care.

He stirs underneath her stare and he shuffles closer to her, exhaling softly. His eyes twitch in his sleep and his face twists into knots and she knows what he's dreaming about. She remembers all the time he's described the looks on her face and the expression she has in the middle of a nightmare. She's always back in the bathroom, listening to the gunshots and the screams. She has no doubt in her mind that right this very second, the person she loves more than anything in the world is grieving the loss of a little boy. And even though she'd love to, there's nothing she can do to help.

She knows it's that which she struggles with. She wants to help him, but she can't. Not in the ways he needs help. She knows he gets his help elsewhere and she has to find a way to stomach that. She knows it isn't okay and one day they'll have to talk about it, but she figures that having the conversation right now would be fruitless. If she wants this; if she wants him, she has to fight her heartache and accept what she already knows: grief changes you in ways you wish it didn't. She knows first hand that grief is uncontrollable if you let it get a hold of you. There's ways of staying strong but sometimes it takes too much energy; energy you just don't seem to have. She appreciates his struggle and even though she thinks he could have managed his feelings better, she's not going to fight him anymore. She's not grieving; he is. He's dealing with his own personal hell and even though it hurts, she just has to stand there and wait for him.

It's in her moment of clarity that she realises things don't need to be so difficult. Sure, it's never going to be easy with Danny. He's the poison that could quite easily end her… but he's also the remedy; he's the antidote. She can't survive with him; but she can't survive without him either.

He's the piece of her that she wishes she didn't need… but her wishes are wasted because in actual fact, the piece that Danny is, is the most important one of all. She has no control over him. All she has is the knowledge that despite everything they've been through, she still gives him the option to shatter her heart into a thousand tiny pieces. And he does so. But he also makes sure he carefully reconstructs the pieces and fixes the damage he's done. He fixes things within her; things she didn't even know were broken. He fixes her so that she's whole again. And most of all, through the confusion and heartache, he brings her clarity.

And sometimes, clarity is all you really need.

* * *

**Voila! There we have it! I hope you all liked it. Please feel free and encouraged to drop me a review - I've genuinely missed receiving little rays of sunshine in my inbox! thank you all for reading - I know this wasn't the most uplifting, fluffy pieces but I have a few other things in the pipeline noted down on paper so fingers crossed I can make it come to life. **

**Anyway, thanks again for reading! :)**


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